Tuesday, September 13, 2016


Two days post surgery I awake with excruciating back pain,intense nausea, and a distended stomach that made me feel and look 6 months pregnant.Despite the effects of the best narcotic pain medication known to mankind,it became readily apparent that a trip to the nearest hospital emergency department was necessary.
Triaged,registered,placed on a gurney,I was soon in an emergency's observation room.After being seen by a nurse,medical student, resident and staff Doctor,I was diagnosed with an inflated bladder.The remedy, the dreaded catheter. 
We all have family medical stories.Unfortunately. mine include a beloved uncle who was reported to have suffered a heart attack as a result of a botched catheter attempt. As the nurse is penetrating the Nozick sperm storage ,these memories do me absolutely no good.
Despite my apprehension and the relative minor pain, I soon feel a massive relief as I proceed to  be competitive with the world record for urine excretion.For those of you who needs details the current  record is 5 litres of your finest juices.
 Soon the catheter was removed and I was expected to go it alone.Despite absorbing massive amounts of water and giving it my best effort I could not do what any typical 5 year old does.Before I knew it the dreaded catheter is re-inserted. I am told to contact urology after 3 weeks has passed.
Thus, without consultation or asking my permission, I know have acquired a constant companion.For the most part Herman's needs are relativity minor.Clean him,empty him and attach him firmly to my thigh goes a long way in   living in a symbiotic relationship with him.Herman comes in 2 forms: 1- The long large nighttime form, which is cumbersome but provides maximum volume.Somehow I have learned to share my bed with Herman who on the plus side does not snore or turn over during the night.Once during the night I need to empty Herman to keep him happy but for the most part we are good housemates.
 Herman also comes in a sleek,light weight, day time version which has it's own particular needs.Although this version is attached to my leg and affords me some mobility I need to be very careful I do not cause strain with the Nozick sperm source. On one occasion the tension between Herman and the Nozick sperm source proved too much necessiating a brief but informative visit to the emergency department of my nearest hospital.
Won't you know it but my past life came back to help me out. Many years ago I dated a Jewish women from Montreal whose son's wedding I attended.Well to my surprise he was the emergency doctor who attended to me. In a most professional yet personable and compassionate manner he reassured me regarding my relationship with Herman I told him,"he did his mother proud."
Herman and I, with whom I need to be with  another 3 weeks,have now come to an understanding as to what constitutes a harmonious relationship. The essentials include no straining,frequent emptying, good hygiene, and a well anchored relationship.
I look forward to freeing myself from Herman in the near future,Life lesson learned:The human soul and body has an amazing capacity to adapt when required to do so.All of us are capable of extraordinary deeds when we are stretched to our maximum potential.